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How to Cook Braaaains!!
posted on January 05, 2015

I have a special treat for all you zombie folk out there. You can be the life of the party through this delectable method of cooking braaaains!!! Believe me, your friends will be drooooling over this.

So first things first, you need to set the oven for 1230.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or for you sensible Non-America folk, 666 degrees in Celsius) and grease up a cookie sheet. I always like to using olive oil for this. Use either spray on stuff for a nice even layer or my cheep bachelor method of mopping it on with a paper towel.

Now, it's worth mentioning that the better cut of brain, the better the result. Fans of Justin Bieber or Kanye West are most definitely not advisable for your cut. If you want an easy catch with a decent brain, go for a college student from anywhere but BYU. After all, the BYU ones are nearly impossible to get drunk.

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Categories: Humor
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E.T. Has the Force
posted on May 18, 2013

I just had the most random sort of nerdy thought today where I concluded that E.T. is a Jedi that uses the force. How did I come to such a conclusion?

Well, the first part of how I did so is admittedly controversial, because it comes from a movie that Star Wars fans are reluctant to have as part of the official cannon. That's right, I'm talking about The Phantom Menace. The Phantom Menace in its menacing infamousy contains the famous easter egg of E.T.s participating in the galactic republic senate. So this is their apparent origin back a long long time ago in the Star Wars galaxy.

Following this line of reasoning, it's interesting to note that E.T. is the only known visitor to our world from that galaxy which has captured our imagination. Eliot had Star Wars action figures in the movie, so he was a fan of that galaxy. But all of this is off topic.

The point is that E.T. makes objects float, including that bike on the iconic moment of the movie. He has that psychic connection with Elliot. So considering his galaxy of origin, he must have the force.

Now my apologies if this silly post has angered any of my fellow Sci Fi nerds.

Categories: Thoughts on Arts | Humor
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Little Piggies Pack Heat - Part 2
posted on April 03, 2013

Let me wrap up the story I started March 16...

As as Weazer saw the fiery glimmer of the wolve's eyes, he lit up the room with gunfire. His ears rang and his eyes watered from gun smoke. The giant limp body of the wolf slid down the ladder to the attic like a tattered rag-doll drenched in blood.

One down.

Weazer waited with held breath. Claws scraped and the floor creaked above his head. The wolves panted as they paced the attic. Others continued to claw and scrape at the boarded up windows, surrounding the house, but Weazer's focus was on the attic opening. "What yer vermin waiting fer, come on."

One of his brothers squealed behind him and charged up the ladder.

"Wee Wee, no!" Weazer snorted. "Ya gonna get killed!"

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Categories: Humor
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Little Piggies Pack Heat
posted on March 16, 2013

The other day, I read a user comment about the Jack the Giant Slayer movie, saying something to the effect of, "I'm tired of all these modern twist fairy tale movies. What's next? The three little pigs pack heat?" I thought, "Hey, sounds awesome to me." So without further ado, here's my story inspired by that comment:

In the basement of the redbrick house was Weezer's emergency storage. Weezer was the older of three sibling pigs. The storage was not that of the usual canned foods and jugs of water. No, Weezer prepared this room for real emergencies. Those involving ruthless kanines that want to rip apart his flesh.

Weezer wrapped several loops of bullet chains across his shoulders. He strapped on a F-16 and grabbed another. With his other hand, he grabbed a grenade launcher. He looked to his other brothers, Willy and Wee Wee, who had sweaty pork bellies hanging out of their pants and said, "Ya gonna arm yer selfs or not?"

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Categories: Humor
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A Dark Lord's Hotel Reservation
posted on December 28, 2012

Black smoke seeped through the automatic rotating door. It rolled and glided across the waxed marble tiles of the floor. Light seemed to dissipate in its path as it spread across the lobby. The guests in the lobby heard several chilling whispers in their minds of various unfamiliar tongues that seemed to speak of death and the darkest of despair.

When the smoke passed by a marble fountain depicting fawn children dancing and playing flutes, the water turned to a pasty and pale yellow that let out a sulfuric stench. The white marble stained green.

After the cloud spanned across the lobby floor, it streamed toward the check in counter. The smoke formed to one spot into a hooded figure. Ribbons of the cloak acted as though blowing in the wind, but the great open space of the lobby was void of sound. Glowing red eyes seemed to peer into the soul of the woman behind the counter.

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Categories: Humor
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The Cliche Plague
posted on December 22, 2012

Indulge me while I tell a ridiculously horrible story:

A butler worked on dusting the mantle of his master's fireplace. He admired an antique six shooter that rested on this mantle with an ivory handle carved with figures of can can girls and a silver glimmer of polishing attempting to hide its scarred surface. Staring at it did become boring and repetitive after a while.

Finally, the phone rang, giving the butler a startle. He walked over to the small table, set down his duster, and buttoned his penguin shaped tux. He cleared his throat. His robotic bionic hand detached from his wrist and lifted the receiver with his pinky outstretched, hovering in the air.


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Categories: Humor
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Tis the Season to be Jolly
posted on December 01, 2012

One of my favorite parts of the Christmas season is the inspiring and uplifting music. Nothing brings in the Christmas spirit quite like the music does. You know the saying, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down." That's how it's been at work as I listen to the Christmas tunes on Pandora.

One thing, however, I've been getting annoyed with is the depressing songs. You know the sort I'm talking about. All the "It's not Christmas, because my true loves gone forever, so I'm lying shivering on ground totally utterly alone and not even the fireplace gives me warmth." I'm like, mercy, go throw yourself off a building and put us all out of your misery. If I want sappy, I'll listen to the stuff they play the rest of the year. By the way, the song that makes me want to gnaw my ear off more than any other is "Last Christmas." I believe one of the rings of hell is designated to playing that song over and over.

Humbug to garbage!

That's right, tis the season to be jolly. It's all about rejoicing that "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

So let's praise the Lord! Can I hear an amen!

Can I hear an AMEN!!

Okay, I'll calm down. Deep breathes.

Categories: Inspirational | Humor
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